I came back from a trip to the south much better than when I left home in December last year. Very difficult year for my body, my health. Since August I have been taking several antibiotics and because of this I developed hepatitis. My body couldn't handle the amount of demands and issues and questions that were tangled up around the house. Experiencing intensities all the time and draining my energy. I ended the year with a thread of life, because of a dynamic that should replace or multiply it. Managing a place like home and being the center of this vortex of different energies destroys me as much as it strengthens me, in the same measure. I confess that I was afraid of dying, or afraid that I had created a disease in myself. How can a place that pulses be a place that kills me? Where did this connection come from? Thinking about it now, life and death are linked in origin. I didn't die, but things inside me certainly died. I came back from the trip much stronger because I gave distance to all of this and breathed. I come back stronger to resolve issues that will change the course of things. Things change all the time and need to change to stay alive. It is important to have the courage to change and listen to life to understand what to change. I started the year by tidying up my closets, separating what I no longer want from what I still want with me. I came back wanting to do this in my closet and in my home life. I decided that I no longer want to feel the house disappearing through my hands, the house is mine and I want to stay with it. It's a small measure between winning and losing the house. Making my home everyone's home is important to understand how many different homes it can be, but it's also sad to see it from afar. A complex measure.
Return spaces in the house to me, for my personal use, build spaces for solitude and energy replenishment. Spaces in which I can recompose myself, reinvent myself, rebuild myself. I deform and fall apart all the time, I dismantle myself all the time. Because something someone says to me makes me review everything about myself, an attitude that I see, a perspective that I perceive, remakes me completely and it's so much pain. Real tearing pain. It hurts deep down.
The differences, I'm only now understanding how complex it is to relate to this. For myself and for others. Understand another perspective. Another life that has another way of relating to the world. Understanding is very difficult. Once you understand everything changes because you relearn how to live your own life. Everything becomes clearer and better. But until you understand there are many phases. Estrangement, anger, hatred, pain, contempt… I think contempt is an escape. I do not want to see. I do not see. Defense. I don't like her from what I see. But I have to live with it. Some despise, others disdain, others hate, others mock, others want to kill.
I feel strong enough to manage these issues. I feel strong enough to fight for my place and my life within this place where, like in a forest, life and death coexist.
