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02/15/2024

juliafeldens

I understood that I need to be very careful about what I wish for. When I met him for the first time, I looked at him and, with the certainty of someone who hasn't experienced many things, I asked him to bring the street into the house. “What I want from you is the street”, I said. And he brought it! I had a glimpse of it: chaos and madness, beauty and ugliness. Naive me. In the year that he lived with me, I received several slaps in the face. Several times I embarrassed myself by taking distance and realizing my own naivety. My body occupies space in a different way and I perceive everything in a different way, my body is fragile and avoids confrontation and conflict because it fears it, and it fears it because it is largely unaware of this other side of the coin. My body did not live or shape itself in the chaos, in the scream. I was born into a place and a family that spoke softly to me because they noticed my delicacy, praised me and sang me to sleep. How can I come across and live with another body that has shaped itself inside out without looking mistakenly at this other world it occupies? I felt embarrassed several times, I felt stupid, stupid, innocent, ignorant, "stupid" as he would say. Yes, I certainly am, I can't understand your world, I don't have your eyes to look at it, I can't see. I'm really a sucker. Silly me to think that love and affection are felt the same way in my world and in yours. It is not. Giving affection is not something harmless and it is not always a good thing. Sometimes it is remembering a pain because affection, in some cases, signifies and reveals a lack. Welcoming someone is complex and can sometimes cause more pain.

 

They asked me what the bad side of the house was, I couldn't say. I hadn't yet felt all the possible forms of affection. He made me feel, it was a watershed moment.

At first I asked myself how I could take care of him, then I understood that he didn't need care, not the kind I imagined he needed. But today I am faced with the first question again. Of course, everyone needs care. Taking care of everyone made me discover that I need care myself. But how do you find out what someone else needs, how do you know how to care? How intensely should I care? Does this have to do with love for others or does it have to do with love for yourself?







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